THE PROBLEM OF PURE CERTAINTY.

There was a magical juncture in my life when the universe conspired to unveil my hidden allure, and before I knew it, fragments of feminine admiration began to emerge from unexpected corners. The experience is a bewitching transformation. I literally moved from the unnoticed casual boy to the hot boy who found himself at the center of newfound attention. I couldn’t definitively pinpoint what exactly changed, perhaps, the time was just ripe. But I cared less, I just basked in the delightful aura of romantic allure, reveling in the sensations coursing through my veins, and relishing the reality that I had become a recipient of stolen glances and subtle flutters of interest. As I gradually became used to the pockets of feminine admiration I received, it didn’t take long for me to start feeling a tinge of disappointment at those that gravitated towards me.

I found myself caught between the elation of newfound attention and the disheartening realization that what I truly desired was still elusive. It wasn't that they were inherently bad; they simply didn't match the picture I had painted in my heart. Apart from my wide-mouthed taste for beauty and intelligence, the boyish me was actually a hopeless romantic. I yearned for something deeper, a connection that transcended the superficial layers of attraction. I yearned for a companion who would be more than a fleeting fancy, someone who could appreciate the intricacies of my soul and reciprocate with a genuine affection. The ones drawn to me, didn't quite ignite that spark I hoped for. They were pieces that didn't quite fit my puzzle, beautiful in their own right but lacking the harmony my heart craved. My struggle started when I eventually found a girl of my own choice, someone who at the time captivated my soul in ways that words couldn’t describe. Since I had confidence in my desirability as a man, it wasn’t difficult to summon the courage to ask her out. But as you would imagine, that became a pivotal moment that would mark the genesis of my character development. In the aftermath of that brave leap, life took me on a turbulent journey through a series of unrequited loves, each encounter adding new layers to my disappointment.

As a coping mechanism to shield my heart from the disappointments of unrequited love--I retreated from the pursuit of romantic entanglements. I consciously adopted a dismissive attitude towards any stirring emotions that hinted at the possibility of affection and love. I became a master of detachment, suppressing even the slightest inclination to act upon my yearnings. It was during this phase that I discovered the nonchalant and cold part of me which I never knew existed.  Shockingly, this produced crazy results. The colder and disinterested I feigned, the more they gravitated towards me. It was as if they, too, craved what they couldn't have. So I decided to indulge them, offering them mere glimpses of my true self—just enough to lead them on, but never enough to grant them certainty. I took pleasure in their state of perpetual uncertainty, relishing the power I held over their hearts. This orchestrated dance of ambiguity became my modus operandi.

Armed with this grandiose sense of my self-worth and confidence, I attracted dozens of girls, strung up a long series of superficial and unhealthy relationships —all of whom were quickly replaced and some of whom were already forgotten by the next girl that piques my interest. It was all about validation for me—the knowledge that I was desired, loved, and inherently worthy. Thinking about it now, it was a strange life, replete with fantastic, soul-stirring experiences as well as superficial highs designed to numb my underlying pain. It seemed both so profound yet so meaningless at the same time, and it still does. While this experience will come to shape the very fabric of my character, the scars of wasted time and energy serve as a poignant reminder of the misguided choices I made during that tumultuous period. As I would later realize in the tapestry of my life’s journey that the path to love is as much about finding ourselves as it is about finding someone else, looking back, I made enormous mistakes.

As much as I thought I knew myself, I was the last person to realize that I was an immature, shitty, and selfish, albeit sometimes a charming man. I was distracting myself from my trauma and insecurities which revolved around intimacy and acceptance. My craving for validation fed into a mental habit of self-aggrandizing and overindulgence. So I felt entitled to say or do whatever I wanted, to break people’s trust, to ignore people’s feelings, and then justify it later with shitty, half-assed apologies. This realization forced me to confront difficult questions and reevaluate some of the deeply ingrained values I have held onto for so long.

As Mark Mason astutely observed, "As a general rule, we're all the world's worst observers of ourselves." When we feel emotions like rage, jealousy, or even love, we are oftentimes the last to realise this. Questions like “Am I being envious of my friend rn?” “Am I being a shitty person?”  “Am I a hypocrite?” can be immensely challenging and uncomfortable. In fact, the difficulty lies in the profound implications that accompany these inquiries. Not only do they sometimes question our long-held values, they potentially cause a disconcerting shift in our perspective and emotions about ourselves.

The real problem lies in our unwavering conviction about ourselves. We tend to perceive ourselves as inherently good, kind, or decent, and anyone who dares to break up with us is a "monster" seeking to harm a virtuous individual. Many individuals possess an unshakable belief in their own intelligence and abilities, attributing any obstacles in achieving their dream job to a "bad system" or “village people”. However, the harsh reality is that this unwavering certainty makes us feel worse, not better. Certainty, which is ultimately unattainable, only makes our insecurities worse. Individuals who justify committing atrocious acts against others typically have an unwavering certainty in their self-righteousness, their beliefs, and their perceived entitlement. It is this unwavering certainty in our own deservingness that makes us insidiously entitled, leading us to believe that we are justified in bending the rules, punishing others, taking what we desire, and even resorting to violence in certain cases. Just think about Yahoo boys, suicide bombers, and any judgmental dude that pisses you off and you will see my point.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that you hate yourself or label yourself as “inherently evil” or “undeserving”. Instead, I am saying that our values, are inherently flawed and incomplete, and to assume that they are flawless and all-encompassing is to put yourself in a dangerously dogmatic mindset that breeds entitlement and avoids responsibility.

The path to self-awareness requires us to dismantle the fortress of certainty we construct around ourselves, see their faults and biases, acknowledge their misalignment with the broader world and courageously question our own fallibility. It is this discontent about what we know so far about ourselves that provides a fertile ground for growth and self-discovery. To embark on this transformative journey, we must confront the uncomfortable truth that we might be wrong about ourselves. We must be relentless in our pursuit of understanding, continuously challenging our beliefs, assumptions, and behaviors. It is through this profound and humble process of introspection that we unravel the mysteries of our own existence and embark on a transformative journey of self-realization. This process demands courage, as it necessitates embracing discomfort and facing the shadows within. It requires us to set aside our ego and open ourselves to the possibility of growth. By doing so, we strip away the illusions that cloud our perception and gain clarity about who we truly are.

Embracing uncertainty liberates us from the burden of self-judgment. It acknowledges that we cannot definitively determine our worthiness of love, the extent of our goodness and righteousness, or the limits of our potential success. To attain these qualities, we must embrace the uncertainty surrounding them and remain open to discovering them through lived experiences. By relinquishing the need for absolute certainty, we create space for growth, exploration, and the potential for truly uncovering the depths of our capabilities and the boundless possibilities that lie ahead.

Self-awareness is not a destination but an ongoing exploration. It is a commitment to introspection and a willingness to accept uncomfortable truths. As we delve deeper into the intricacies of our being, we unlock profound insights that enable us to navigate life with authenticity and purpose. In the pursuit of self-discovery, we shed the constraints of limited perspective and evolve into more compassionate, empathetic individuals. By continuously challenging ourselves, we become better observers of our own thoughts, emotions, and actions. We cultivate the wisdom to discern our weaknesses and biases, and in doing so, we transcend our limitations.